Culture

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.

Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One nun says to the other "I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America we might as well do as Americans do." So both Nuns walk towards a hot dog vendor. "Two Dogs, please," says the first Nun. The vendor is only too happy to oblige, and wraps 2 hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The first Nun opens hers and stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun cautiously ask, "What part of the dog did you get?"

Heavenly Golf
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can’t lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Biblical Love
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ’’It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.’’ Adam answered, ’’Yes, Lord, but what is a ’kiss’?’’ The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ’’Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.’’ And the Lord replied, ’’Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.’’ And Adam said, ’’What is a ’caress’?’’ So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ’’Lord, that was even better than the kiss.’’ And the Lord said, ’’You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.’’ And Adam asked, ’’What is ’make love’, Lord?’’ So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ’’Lord, what is a ’headache’?’’

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS"

A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his spear and kills them! The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase: "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women’s rights group approached the Pope the next day. They pointed out that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying: "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noted that he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless Gay people. The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with: "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won´t be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach. They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by. The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers." "Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?" The blonde replies, "Don´t you recognize me? I´m sister Katherine from the convent."

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons. The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. Finally, it’s the Yank’s turn and the tribal chief asks: "What will you take on your back?" And he responds - "I’ll take the Mexican!"